Taking responsibility and embracing unpleasant consequences

Many, many moons ago when I was in high school, I read Essay on Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau.  He was an abolitionist who refused to pay taxes to a government which allowed slavery.  He spent the night in jail until someone paid his back taxes against his wishes.   

How does it become a man to behave toward the American government today? I answer, that he cannot without disgrace be associated with it. I cannot for an instant recognize that political organization as my government which is the slave's government also.

All men recognize the right of revolution; that is, the right to refuse allegiance to, and to resist, the government, when its tyranny or its inefficiency are great and unendurable. But almost all say that such is not the case now. But such was the case, they think, in the Revolution of '75. If one were to tell me that this was a bad government because it taxed certain foreign commodities brought to its ports, it is most probable that I should not make an ado about it, for I can do without them. All machines have their friction; and possibly this does enough good to counter-balance the evil. At any rate, it is a great evil to make a stir about it. But when the friction comes to have its machine, and oppression and robbery are organized, I say, let us not have such a machine any longer. In other words, when a sixth of the population of a nation which has undertaken to be the refuge of liberty are slaves, and a whole country is unjustly overrun and conquered by a foreign army, and subjected to military law, I think that it is not too soon for honest men to rebel and revolutionize. What makes this duty the more urgent is that fact that the country so overrun is not our own, but ours is the invading army.

Oh, how this perfectly clear moral decision coupled with righteous disobedience appealed to my teenage soul.  "Under a government which imprisons unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison."  Unjust rules.  Rebel for a just cause.  A majority of one.  Misunderstood and wrongly punished.  Bravely and nobly facing the consequences.  
 
Paley, a common authority with many on moral questions, in his chapter on the "Duty of Submission to Civil Government," resolves all civil obligation into expediency; and he proceeds to say that "so long as the interest of the whole society requires it, that it, so long as the established government cannot be resisted or changed without public inconveniencey, it is the will of God. . .that the established government be obeyed--and no longer. This principle being admitted, the justice of every particular case of resistance is reduced to a computation of the quantity of the danger and grievance on the one side, and of the probability and expense of redressing it on the other." Of this, he says, every man shall judge for himself. But Paley appears never to have contemplated those cases to which the rule of expediency does not apply, in which a people, as well and an individual, must do justice, cost what it may. If I have unjustly wrested a plank from a drowning man, I must restore it to him though I drown myself. This, according to Paley, would be inconvenient. But he that would save his life, in such a case, shall lose it. This people must cease to hold slaves, and to make war on Mexico, though it cost them their existence as a people.

Heady stuff I recall two and a half decades later.  Even now, I find myself swept away in his language.  Man, can he write.  

It is not a man's duty, as a matter of course, to devote himself to the eradication of any, even to most enormous, wrong; he may still properly have other concerns to engage him; but it is his duty, at least, to wash his hands of it, and, if he gives it no thought longer, not to give it practically his support. If I devote myself to other pursuits and contemplations, I must first see, at least, that I do not pursue them sitting upon another man's shoulders. I must get off him first, that he may pursue his contemplations too. See what gross inconsistency is tolerated. I have heard some of my townsmen say, "I should like to have them order me out to help put down an insurrection of the slaves, or to march to Mexico--see if I would go"; and yet these very men have each, directly by their allegiance, and so indirectly, at least, by their money, furnished a substitute. The soldier is applauded who refuses to serve in an unjust war by those who do not refuse to sustain the unjust government which makes the war; is applauded by those whose own act and authority he disregards and sets at naught; as if the state were penitent to that degree that it hired one to scourge it while it sinned, but not to that degree that it left off sinning for a moment. Thus, under the name of Order and Civil Government, we are all made at last to pay homage to and support our own meanness. After the first blush of sin comes its indifference; and from immoral it becomes, as it were, unmoral, and not quite unnecessary to that life which we have made.  

 If you haven't read it, I encourage you to.  Great call to responsibility and conscience.  Agree or disagree, I think he's wonderfully thought-provoking.

Recently I felt drawn to re-read him after all these years and I have been inspired by the way he takes responsibility for his choices and embraces the unpleasant consequences.  No ducking, dodging, denying, avoiding, whining, or blaming.  No "I didn't know," "I meant to," "Let me fix that right away," "You can't make me," "I don't deserve to go to jail," or "You can't catch me."  I didn't pay my taxes and I am ready to sit in jail.  Wow.  I've needed that inspiration.

Preparing taxes this April was a shock.  I had known we had shot our wad in 2013, but even I had not imagined the expenses and losses we incurred.  We had known intellectually that this first couple years would be all costs with very little return on investment.  But still, the sticker shock was stunning.  Tim got grim and I got giddy, like a survivors of a tornado emerging overwhelmed by the devastation and glad to be alive.  

At moments like that, I wonder if I should just follow my dad's sage advice, "When in doubt, make money."  I wonder whether I should just put the kids in public school and go get a paying job.  I'm a licensed teacher.  I've got education up the wazoo.  I've got sellable skills.  I've got experience.  Absolutely none of which is making me a dime these days.  All of which is my own choice.  

Sometimes I feel like a fool, a broke fool who is trying to become more financially stable by spending money, trying to become more self- reliant by paying to work harder, trying to live a simpler life by doing more, trying to prepare for hard times by making these times harder. 

I could trade off for more money now, more physical ease and financial security now.  But I don't.  We don't.

What does taking responsibility and embracing unpleasant consequences mean for me in that?  I'm trying to find out.  But it isn't pretty or popular.
 
Three of our neighbors have approached us this last month with complaints about R Farm.  Visual blight, rooster noise, chickens and cat on their property, smoke from clean-up bonfires.  People we like and respect have said that we're un-neighborly, that we have disrupted their peace and the peace of their neighbors, and that R Farm is not a good fit in this development.  We should defer to the people who were here first, stop talking about this agricultural zoning thing when everyone else wants residential rules, and become the good neighbors they know we could be, the good neighbors they know God wants us to be.

Yep. 

Right in the midst of two hand surgeries in four weeks, work, parenting, homeschooling, and ... What was it?  It'll come to me.  

Oh, yes- farming. 

Seriously?
Seriously.

Strung out and in pain after surgery Tuesday, I'd had it.  Unending conflict with people I like and respect is in the lower rings of my personal definition of hell.  The hard work I expected.  Heck, I'll even pay more to work harder.  I can brave the ticks, sticks, deer, and driveway in all kinds of weather with good humor.  But breaking good people's hearts knowing I could prevent it by simply giving up my dreams and knowing that I will feel their unhappiness because I will continue choosing not to make them happy?  That's my bleeding limit.

"Let's tell them we'd accept an offer on the house and move R Farm.  We don't need to make a profit, just get our money out and go buy more acres with a sane driveway and a smaller house to clean.  It won't break my heart to say goodbye."

So, Tim, bless his good heart, emailed the offer.  We aren't going to change each others' minds, he wrote.  Here's our suggestion for a win-win.  Make us an offer.  Get together with the unhappy neighbors, buy us out, vote in an association with a covenant of your liking, and you could resell the place to someone who is a good fit.  Or send a friend who does fit to buy it.  We'll cheerfully move, even this summer.  We want you to have first dibs and we'd be happy to move somewhere we're a better fit.  All we need is our investment back.

So far, no bites.  Not even a nibble.  

Tim has been my hero through this whole process.  He has taken responsibility for his choices, acknowledged that we and the neighbors won't change each others' minds, has clearly stated that we won't give up farming, and then has done his best to change what he can.   He encouraged the neighbors to take whatever actions they need to to protect their property from unwanted animals including our cat.  They're a dime a dozen, he said.  We'll get another for free- no hard feelings.  He left the deer fencing up but addressed the visual blight concerns by removing some bright pink marking tape.  The neighbor whose complaint prompted Tim's response acknowledged the change makes it less of an eyesore.  Tim's planning to email the family with the smoke issue and discuss which days would be best to burn next.  He's also planning to visit and discuss our fencing plans with the neighbors who've had chicken encroachment issues.  Meanwhile the chickens stay in their compound until Tim can supervise their movements while he works outside.

Heroic, right?

Totally impressive.
Admirable.

Tim, I see your true colors and I've never been prouder to be your wife.